


STUMBLING DRUNKENLY FROM ONE GARDEN PATH TO THE FUCKING NEXT

by itsdave



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Meteorstuck, Retcon Timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-09
Updated: 2019-12-09
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:13:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21726568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsdave/pseuds/itsdave
Summary: Karkat and Dave watch a movie. Dave falls asleep.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 22
Kudos: 192





	STUMBLING DRUNKENLY FROM ONE GARDEN PATH TO THE FUCKING NEXT

KARKAT: (OH MY GOD THIS IS IT!)  
KARKAT: (HOLY SHIT IT’S FUCKING HAPPENING!)  
KARKAT: (DANE COOK IS GONNA GIVE JESSICA ALBA THE PEBBLE!)  
KARKAT: (DAVE LOOK!)  
KARKAT: (DAVE?)  
KARKAT: (OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE DAVE DID YOU FALL ASLEEP?)  
KARKAT: (DAVE!)  
KARKAT: (DAVE WAKE UP!)  
KARKAT: (DAVE, DANE COOK IS PUTTING EVERYTHING ON THE LINE! HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY SLEEP AT A TIME LIKE THIS?)  
KARKAT: (DAVE!)  
KARKAT: (DAAAAAVE!)  
KARKAT: (GOD DAMMIT.)  
KARKAT: (YOU’RE MISSING THE BEST PART.)  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: (I’M LOSING THE SENSATION IN MY LEG, DAVE.)  
KARKAT: (I CAN’T FEEL IT AT ALL.)  
KARKAT: (YOU’VE CUT OFF ALL THE CIRCULATION.)  
KARKAT: (MY LEG IS GOING TO WITHER UP AND DIE AND IT’S GOING TO BE ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT, DAVE.)  
KARKAT: (IT’S GONNA LOSE ALL ITS BLOOD FLOW AND GO NECROTIC AND I’M GOING TO HAVE TO DRAG AROUND A DISGUSTING SHRIVELED GANGRENOUS ZOMBIE LIMB.)  
KARKAT: (IT’S GOING TO SMELL TERRIBLE, DAVE.)  
KARKAT: (YOU’RE GOING TO HATE THE FUCKING SMELL BUT YOU’LL HAVE NO ONE TO BLAME BUT YOURSELF.)  
KARKAT: (WE’LL HAVE TO GET KANAYA TO CUT IT OFF WITH HER CHAINSAW JUST LIKE SHE DID WITH TAVROS.)  
KARKAT: (EXCEPT THIS TIME EQUIUS ISN’T HERE TO GIVE ME A COOL NEW ROBO LEG.)  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: (I GUESS YOU WEREN’T HERE WHEN ANY OF THAT HAPPENED, WERE YOU?)  
KARKAT: (SO THIS REFERENCE IS FALLING KIND OF FLAT, HUH?)  
KARKAT: (WELL YOU KNOW WHAT, FUCK YOU, YOU’RE ASLEEP, AND *I* WAS HERE FOR IT.)  
KARKAT: (EVEN THOUGH I PASSED OUT IMMEDIATELY SO I WAS TECHNICALLY ALSO ASLEEP FOR A LOT OF IT...)  
KARKAT: (WHATEVER, YOU KNOW WHAT? THE REFERENCE STANDS! FUCK YOU DAVE, I’M NOT TAKING IT BACK OR DUMBING IT DOWN FOR PEOPLE WHO COULDN’T BE FUCKING BOTHERED TO BE AROUND FOR IT.)  
KARKAT: (I’M JUST GONNA HAVE TO HAVE ONE LEG AND THAT’S THAT.)  
KARKAT: (BOY I WAS ALREADY GONNA BE PRETTY FUCKING USELESS FIGHTING JACK, AND NOW I’M GONNA BE DOWN A WHOLE FUCKING LEG.)  
KARKAT: (FUCK!)  
KARKAT: (YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO CARRY ME AROUND, DAVE.)  
KARKAT: (IT’S THE ONLY WAY THIS IS GONNA WORK SINCE EQUIUS IS DEAD AND ROBO LEGS ARE OFF THE TABLE FOREVER.)  
KARKAT: (AND I KNOW YOU THINK IT’S FUNNY TO FLY ME AROUND AND YOU GET A REAL FUCKING KICK OUT OF IT NOW.)  
KARKAT: (BUT TRUST ME STRIDER ONCE YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO DO IT ALL THE TIME YOU’RE GONNA GET TIRED OF IT *REAL* FUCKIN QUICK.)  
KARKAT: (I’LL FIND A WAY TO MAKE IT SUCK FOR YOU, DON’T YOU FUCKING WORRY ABOUT THAT.)  
KARKAT: (YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO PICK ME UP AND FLY ME *EVERYWHERE.*)  
KARKAT: (AND I AM GOING TO *WHINE* ABOUT IT.)  
KARKAT: (YOU’RE GONNA FUCKING HATE IT, DAVE, BUT YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO SAY NO, BECAUSE YOU’LL KNOW YOU’RE THE REASON I DON’T HAVE A FUCKING LEG.)  
KARKAT: (SO THERE.)  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: (*ARE* YOU ASLEEP?)  
KARKAT: (I CAN’T FUCKING TELL WITH THOSE STUPID DARK GLASSES.)  
KARKAT: (GOD THOSE THINGS ARE POINTLESS.)  
KARKAT: (WE’RE INDOORS. IN A DARK ROOM. IN OUTER FUCKING SPACE.)  
KARKAT: (AND YOU’RE WEARING SUNGLASSES.)  
KARKAT: (GOD DAMMIT DAVE.)  
KARKAT: (YOU KNOW SOLLUX ALWAYS WORE SUNGLASSES TOO?)  
KARKAT: (AND TROLLS ARE FUCKING NOCTURNAL! WE *NEVER* SAW THE SUN. WE MADE A GODDAMN POINT OF IT.)  
KARKAT: (AND THAT DOUCHEBAG STILL WORE SUNGLASSES EVERY SINGLE NIGHT OF HIS IDIOTIC SHORT LIFE!)  
KARKAT: (AND IT’S NOT LIKE THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO HIDE HIS WEIRD BI-COLORED EYES. BECAUSE THE LENSES WERE ALSO DIFFERENT FUCKING COLORS!)  
KARKAT: (I MEAN COME ON!)  
KARKAT: (THERE’S STUPID AFFECTATIONS, AND THEN THERE’S STUPID FUCKING AFFECTATIONS!)  
KARKAT: (NOT THAT YOUR AFFECTATION ISN’T STUPID, DAVE.)  
KARKAT: (DON’T GET THE WRONG IDEA.)  
KARKAT: (I DON’T WANT YOU TO BE JEALOUS OR ANYTHING.)  
KARKAT: (YOUR AFFECTATION IS REALLY REALLY FUCKING STUPID TOO.)  
KARKAT: (BUT AT LEAST YOU COME FROM A PLACE WHERE YOU SEE THE SUN REGULARLY, FOR GOD’S SAKE!)  
KARKAT: (I THINK YOU PROBABLY HAVE THE STUPIDEST FUCKING GLASSES OF ANY HUMAN.)  
KARKAT: (HOW ABOUT THAT, DAVE?)  
KARKAT: (DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER?)  
KARKAT: (I CAN’T IMAGINE A STUPIDER SET OF GLASSES ON A HUMAN.)  
KARKAT: (I DEFY PARADOX SPACE TO PRODUCE FOR ME A HUMAN WITH STUPIDER FUCKING GLASSES.)  
KARKAT: (I’D LOVE TO FUCKING SEE IT.)  
KARKAT: (BUT I KNOW I WON'T.)  
KARKAT: (BECAUSE I’M LOOKING DOWN RIGHT THIS MINUTE AT THE STUPIDEST ONES ANY UNIVERSE OR TIMELINE WILL EVER BE ABLE TO SUMMON UP.)  
KARKAT: (LUCKY ME.)  
KARKAT: (I BET YOU STARTED WEARING THESE STUPID FUCKING GLASSES JUST IN PREPARATION FOR THIS MOMENT, DIDN’T YOU DAVE?)  
KARKAT: (EVEN WHEN YOU WERE A TINY LITTLE WIGGLER, FRESH OFF YOUR OWN PRIVATE METEOR.)  
KARKAT: (YOU KNEW.)  
KARKAT: (THAT ONE DAY.)  
KARKAT: (SWEEPS AND SWEEPS IN THE FUTURE.)  
KARKAT: (YOU’D HAVE THE PERFECT OPPORTUNITY TO PISS THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF SOME GUY YOU’D NEVER EVEN HEARD OF, BY MAKING IT SO HE CAN’T FUCKING TELL IF YOU’RE ASLEEP OR NOT!)  
KARKAT: (GOD THAT IS *EXACTLY* THE KIND OF INSANE CIRCUITOUS BULLSHIT OUR LIVES GET WRAPPED UP IN, I HONESTLY WOULDN’T EVEN BE FUCKING SURPRISED IF THAT’S ACTUALLY TRUE!)  
KARKAT: (FUCK YOU DAVE, I BET IT *IS* TRUE!)  
KARKAT: (GOD DAMMIT!)  
KARKAT: (WELL YOU KNOW WHAT, DAVE? I SEE THROUGH YOUR LONG CON!)  
KARKAT: (I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU WERE UP TO ALL THOSE YEARS!)  
KARKAT: (YOU DIDN’T FOOL ME FOR A SINGLE GODDAMN SECOND!)  
KARKAT: (YOUR PLOT HAS FAILED, DAVE. TOO FUCKING BAD!)  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: (ACTUALLY I GUESS YOUR PLOT DID KIND OF WORK, SINCE I STILL CAN’T SEE YOUR WEIRD RED EYES.)  
KARKAT: (BUT I KNOW *WHY* YOU DID IT, AT LEAST!)  
KARKAT: (YOU GET HALF CREDIT DAVE, BUT THAT’S FUCKING IT!)  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: (CHRIST I’VE BEEN TALKING A LOT HAVEN’T I?)  
KARKAT: (THE MOVIE’S FUCKING *OVER.*)  
KARKAT: (YOU MADE ME MISS THE BEST FUCKING PART, DAVE.)  
KARKAT: (THE PART WITH THE PEBBLE.)  
KARKAT: (THANKS A FUCKING BUNCH.)  
KARKAT: (AND I CAN’T GET UP AND REWIND IT BECAUSE THEN YOU DEFINITELY *WILL* WAKE UP, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIND OUT ONCE AND FOR ALL IF YOU ACTUALLY HEARD ANY OF THIS...)  
KARKAT: (OH MY GOD I HOPE YOU DIDN’T.)  
KARKAT: (I’VE BEEN SERIOUSLY RAMBLING HERE, HOLY SHIT THIS IS GONNA BE SO FUCKING EMBARRASSING IF YOU’VE ACTUALLY BEEN AWAKE THIS WHOLE TIME!)  
KARKAT: (DAVE, ARE YOU ACTUALLY AWAKE?)  
KARKAT: (FUCK!)  
KARKAT: (THIS IS JUST LIKE THOSE FUCKING MEMOS ALL OVER AGAIN!)  
KARKAT: (I’M JUST MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS, LAYING MY SOUL BARE TO THE ETHER.)  
KARKAT: (AND FUCKING FUTURE ME CRASHES IN TO SHIT ALL OVER MY ALONE TIME.)  
KARKAT: (EXCEPT IN THIS CASE INSTEAD OF FUTURE ME IT’S GONNA BE YOU!)  
KARKAT: (BECAUSE YOU’VE BEEN AWAKE THIS WHOLE TIME AND KNOW EVERY FUCKING EMBARRASSING THING I’VE SAID!)  
KARKAT: (BECAUSE YOU CAN SEE IT WRITTEN OUT RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU AND YOU CAN REMEMBER WHEN YOU SAID IT...)  
KARKAT: (OKAY WAIT.)  
KARKAT: (MAYBE THIS ANALOGY IS ACTUALLY SHIT.)  
KARKAT: (THIS ISN’T ANYTHING LIKE THE MEMOS.)  
KARKAT: (ANYWAY I HAVEN’T WRITTEN A FUCKING MEMO IN MONTHS.)  
KARKAT: (THOSE DAYS ARE LONG BEHIND ME, THANK CHRIST.)  
KARKAT: (FUCK, I’D BE SO EMBARRASSED IF YOU SAW THOSE MEMOS NOW.)  
KARKAT: (ME JUST SCREAMING AT MYSELF.)  
KARKAT: (THANK GOD YOU DON’T HAVE TO MEET PAST ME.)  
KARKAT: (*OR* FUTURE ME!)  
KARKAT: (HUH, I GUESS ACTUALLY EVEN FUTURE ME FROM BACK THEN IS PAST ME NOW.)  
KARKAT: (FUCK ALL THOSE PAST MES, WHENEVER THEY’RE FROM!)  
KARKAT: (I DO *NOT* WANT YOU GETTING MIXED UP WITH THEM, DAVE!)  
KARKAT: (THOSE GUYS SUCK, AND THEY'RE A BAD INFLUENCE!)  
KARKAT: (AND THEY’D PROBABLY MAKE YOU THINK WAY WORSE ABOUT ME THAN YOU ALREADY DO.)  
KARKAT: (...I DON’T REMEMBER EVER MEETING A ME FROM THIS FAR IN THE FUTURE, SO I GUESS WE’RE PROBABLY SAFE.)  
KARKAT: (BUT JUST TO BE SURE, NO MORE FUCKING MEMOS!)  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: (OH MY GOD WAIT!)  
KARKAT: (I KNOW WHAT THIS IS!)  
KARKAT: (OH SHIT!)  
KARKAT: (THIS ISN’T A FUCKING MEMO AT ALL!)  
KARKAT: (THIS IS A FUCKING STRIDER MONOLOGUE!)  
KARKAT: (OH SWEET FUCK IT TOTALLY IS!)  
KARKAT: (I’VE JUST BEEN DRONING ON AND ON, STUMBLING DRUNKENLY FROM ONE GARDEN PATH TO THE FUCKING NEXT.)  
KARKAT: (THIS IS YOUR THING DAVE!)  
KARKAT: (I’M FUCKING DOING YOUR THING!)  
KARKAT: (THAT’S WHY NO FUTURE MES ARE BUTTING IN!)  
KARKAT: (WHEN YOU DO YOUR THING YOU JUST GO ON AND ON FOR FUCKING EVER UNTIL YOU PASS OUT OR GET DISTRACTED.)  
KARKAT: (HOLY SHIT I HAVE BEEN STRIDER MONOLOGUING SOMETHING FIERCE HERE, HAVEN’T I?)  
KARKAT: (I CAN TOTALLY HEAR IT IN MY VOICE NOW.)  
KARKAT: (I SOUND JUST FUCKING LIKE YOU.)  
KARKAT: (OH MY GOD I’VE BEEN PICKING UP SO MUCH SHIT FROM YOU THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING.)  
KARKAT: (DAVE.)  
KARKAT: (I CALLED ROSE DUDE THE OTHER DAY.)  
KARKAT: (RIGHT TO HER FACE.)  
KARKAT: (IT WAS MORTIFYING.)  
KARKAT: (THAT’S YOUR FAULT TOO, I HOPE YOU KNOW.)  
KARKAT: (THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, DAVE.)  
KARKAT: (EVERY SINGLE LAST THING.)  
KARKAT: (YOU’RE THE REASON MY LEG’S GONNA FALL OFF, AND I MISSED DANE COOK’S HEARTFELT PEBBLE SPEECH, AND ROSE LAUGHED AT ME AND CALLED ME ADORABLE, AND I’M TALKING TO THIS FUCKING DARK ROOM WITH NOTHING BUT YOUR STUPID UNRESPONSIVE SUNGLASSES-ED FACE TO KEEP ME COMPANY!)  
KARKAT: (THAT’S WHY I DON’T NEED THOSE IDIOTIC MEMOS ANYMORE.)  
KARKAT: (I HAVE YOU, DAVE.)  
KARKAT: (YOU ARE THE NEW ROOT OF ALL MY PROBLEMS.)  
KARKAT: (YOU HAVE USURPED ME.)  
KARKAT: (CONGRATULATIONS.)  
KARKAT: (THERE’S NO TITLE, NO RECOGNITION, AND ABSOLUTELY NO BENEFITS.)  
KARKAT: (GOOD FUCKING LUCK!)  
KARKAT: (...WHEW.)  
KARKAT: (I DON’T REALLY KNOW HOW TO WRAP UP A STRIDER MONOLOGUE, DAVE.)  
KARKAT: (THE THINGS DON’T EXACTLY HAVE SATISFYING “CONCLUSIONS.”)  
KARKAT: (THEY JUST KIND OF PETER OUT INTO NONEXISTENCE.)  
KARKAT: (LIKE THE SADDEST, MOST LACKLUSTER FART IMAGINABLE.)  
KARKAT: (SIGH.)  
KARKAT: (I GUESS I COULD JUST GO TO SLEEP.)  
KARKAT: (YOU SEEM TO BE GETTING A WHOLE FUCKING LOT OF ENJOYMENT OUT OF THE EXPERIENCE.)  
KARKAT: (I WONDER IF YOU’RE IN A DREAM BUBBLE.)  
KARKAT: (ARE YOU TALKING TO ANYBODY INTERESTING?)  
KARKAT: (I KNOW I’M NOT, BECAUSE I’M TALKING TO YOU, AND THIS IS THE MOST ONE SIDED CONVERSATION I’VE EVER FUCKING HAD, INCLUDING ALL THE ONES I’VE HAD WITH MY FUCKING SELF!)  
KARKAT: (SIGH.)  
KARKAT: (I REALLY DID WANT TO SEE DANE COOK AND JESSICA ALBA KISS.)  
DAVE: we can rewind it if you want  
KARKAT: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
KARKAT: OH FUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU DAVE!!  
DAVE: whats up  
KARKAT: HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN AWAKE?  
DAVE: its hard to say man  
DAVE: do you have a gangrenous zombie leg yet?  
KARKAT: OH GOD *FUCKING* DAMMIT!  
DAVE: :)  
KARKAT: FUCK THAT LEG STUFF WAS STUFF WAS JUST STUPID!  
KARKAT: BUT I SAID SOME...  
KARKAT: OH GOD.  
KARKAT: I THINK I SAID SOME REALLY EMBARRASSING THINGS THERE!  
DAVE: naw  
KARKAT: YES I FUCKING DID!  
KARKAT: OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE WHY IN GOD’S NAME DID I KEEP TALKING??  
DAVE: listen dude  
DAVE: you are physically incapable of whispering  
DAVE: you kinda change your voice a little bit  
DAVE: like i can definitely tell youre tryna do SOMETHING different with it  
DAVE: but absolutely zero decibels are lost it just comes out in like a weird slam poetry type rhythm  
DAVE: and i think you damn well know that  
DAVE: you cant ”whisper” shit ten fucking inches from my face and expect me not to wake up  
DAVE: also a good half of what you said was just literally TELLING me to wake up  
DAVE: you knew i was awake you didnt say a damn thing you didnt kinda just want me to hear  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: am i right?  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD THAT DOESN’T MEAN IT’S NOT *EMBARRASSING!*  
KARKAT: ANYWAY, WHAT THE FUCK, DAVE! *YOU* WERE PRETENDING TO SLEEP THROUGH IT ALL!  
KARKAT: THIS IS NOT ON ME!  
DAVE: damn dude its not ON anybody  
DAVE: it was just nice  
KARKAT: HRM.  
DAVE: now cmon  
DAVE: lets rewind this stupid fucking movie so you can see dane cook struggle to remember all the lines in his “emotional” penguin speech for the millionth fucking time so you can swoon like always  
DAVE: i wouldnt wanna take that from you karkat im not a monster  
KARKAT: OKAY GOOD. AND YOU BETTER *FUCKING* STAY AWAKE FOR IT THIS TIME.  
DAVE: ill try man  
DAVE: for you ill try  



End file.
